Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”