Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
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Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume