Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
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a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!