Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
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I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.