Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
You Might Also Like
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
how much for the angry fruit?
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.