Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
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*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Not😆🤣
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?