Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
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Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
