Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
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Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?