Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
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I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
How high do the levels go?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Challenge accepted.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!