Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
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Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Stonehinge
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
some Old Testament wisdom
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.