Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now