Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK