Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
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Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Yup
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Bond. Trauma bond.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”