Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
You Might Also Like
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.