Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I have never heard an armadillo before.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.