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I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books