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*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Jupiter
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.