Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

Why soy sad?

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”

Please vote for people who are attractive

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”