Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
You Might Also Like
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap