Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
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Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Shower sex be like:
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining