Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
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Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.