Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Icarus loved hot wings.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

In Russia, the cold complains about you.

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.