[new coffee shop]
b: order for Prune!
m: Pru. P-R-U
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.
How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I’m married to it.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.