@stanleybehrman

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

You Might Also Like

@prufrockluvsong

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

@Thynebear

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

@yenniwhite

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

@Jeff_G_Nixon

“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.

@freypalm

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

@Book_Krazy

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

@corinnemlwsw

The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I’m married to it.

@isabelzawtun

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

@DadandBuried

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.