Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
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If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
where do you see yourself in five years?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I’m going to need a moment here.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude