Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

The First Farmer

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah