Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

[inventing jogging]

how can i suffer but with music

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity