Thank you 🥹
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When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
every man in east london
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.