Thank you 🥹
You Might Also Like
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast