Thank you 🥹
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completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
i- i did not expect this
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.