Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course