Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

🤣

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

me after eating Cheetos

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.