Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

Posting this on behalf of a friend

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes