Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”