Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!