Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
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I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.