Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
You Might Also Like
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Sir!!
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.