Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
You Might Also Like
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
some cats are just doing for fun!
you’re so productive for your wage
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Wasps: bees, but not helping
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.