thankfully, most bananas are boneless
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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
According to math, I’m broke
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course