thankfully, most bananas are boneless
You Might Also Like
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.