Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.