Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
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If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Are we there yet?…
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink