Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I know
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break