Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

“Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”