Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.