Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

i have one speed and it’s mosey

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

Roombas should bark

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week