Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

no way 😭

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?