Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
You’re not my real can
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!