Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

How tf did it end up there?

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

[on my way back to the posting caves]

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.