Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
😤😤
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid