Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
You Might Also Like
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.