Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
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Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
me when somebody idk start touching me
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
I’ve disappointed better people.