thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
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Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
🥴😂
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.