thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
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This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Aight bet
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing