thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
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I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.