Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

#damn

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.