Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!

Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

this is so top tier i cant

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.