thanks auntie mary
You Might Also Like
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
😅😅😅
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Name this drama.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.