thanks auntie mary
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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017