Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
You Might Also Like
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
This kid is going places
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.