Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
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“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer