Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
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when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care
$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
These dogs look like they have good credit.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no