Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

You can’t outrun your problems…

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “