Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
You Might Also Like
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.