Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.