Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
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1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
There are no pants in heaven.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though