Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
how much for the angry fruit?
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men