Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

Hank is one in a melon.

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.