Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781