Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe

Zoo employee 1: oh no

Zoo employee 2: oh no

Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

#merica

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

That lamp looks PISSED.

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

Sorry not sorry.

It’s actually Dr. whatever

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*