thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
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Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Can Happiness buy money?
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
My favorite female superhero
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”