Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
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Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.