Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
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Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
That was easy.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
