Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
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I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit