Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
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and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Me checking my bank balance online.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
The most accurate map ever devised.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
