Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
You Might Also Like
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Bless you
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!