Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
You Might Also Like
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
And that about sums it up.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.