Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies