Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

Can. I. Help. You.

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.