Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit