Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

4 pm:
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9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow