Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?