Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual