Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

I’m good, thanks.

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

BETRAYAL

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this