Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
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“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
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Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.